November 26, 1997

ASIA CRISIS A CASE FOR ALCOHOLICS SYNONYMOUS

Rear Window

Eric Ellis, Vancouver

The British Columbian chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous is taking a closer interest than most Vancouverites in APEC, and not because of the carousing.

Indeed, as AA's "Kenne" told our man yesterday, the group has been struck by the poignant parallel between the financial excuses currently coming out of Asia, and the things they hear from heavy drinkers. "Denial?" said Kenne, who admits to special interest in Asia by virtue of his struggling emerging market unit trusts, "we reckon denial stands for `Don't Even Know I Am Lying'."

Still, Kenne and his BC's AA colleagues are maintaining their faith in Asia's eventual return to health, comforted by AA's own 12-point credo on managing "a program of recovery".

"(We) admitted we were powerless . . . that our lives had become unmanageable." Hello, Yamaichi Securities?

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Thailand?"Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him." Mr Soeharto?

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Calling South Korea.

"Admitted to . . . ourselves, and to other human beings the exact nature of our wrongs." Come in South Korea.

"We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Is that the IMF?

"Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." Ah, Mr Camdessus!

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed - (are you reading this Dr Mahathir?) - and became willing to make amends to them all."

"Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Dr M?

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message . . . and practise these principles in all our affairs." Bienvenidos Mexico!

SNUB FOR CLINTON

Across the harbour at the pukka Capilano Country Club in British Properties, Vancouver's Toorak, members are chortling over their pink gins at the snub they dished out to the self-appointed Leader of the Free World.

President Clinton arrived in Vancouver on Saturday showing rather more enthusiasm for a round at Capilano than rescuing APEC. But the old boys at Capilano showed about as much interest in hosting Clinton as Dr Mahathir would in joining a Soros family bar mitzvah, given the Secret Service demand to close the course while Clinton hit some balls with his APEC mates.

Canadian PM Jean Chretien knew Capilano better than to get involved so he, Clinton and Singapore's Goh Chok Tong skulked off to Shaughnessy Golf and Country Club, a smart locale but considered a hyphenated surname or two below Capilano.

LEADER BEAVERS

If Paul Keating can wear a batik shirt, the APEC people should be able to get John Howard into a leather bomber jacket and aviator glasses.

The 18 APEC leaders will be paraded for the official "family portrait" tomorrow in that outfit, complete with denim shirt.

The jackets will be emblazoned with a beaver logo, depicting one of Canada's best-known indigenous animals. Journalists and photographers will have their task made easier by the fact that each leader will have his name emblazoned on his jacket.

THE PRICKLY MAHATHIR GETS A FULL HOUSE AND THE HEADLINES

The Malaysian PM's recidivist show-stealing at fora such as APEC has prompted amateur etymologists to come up with a new verb - "to Mahathir".

It has myriad conjugations: "I was planning to go to APEC but I decided to Mahathir it," or "the IMF called offering help but we're going to Mahathir our way out of trouble."

There are more: "The Simon Weisenthal Centre has issued a statement. We told them to Mahathir off." And, "if you don't apologise, you are destined for Mahathirdom".

Australian Prime Minister John Howard might wish to take a public presentation lesson from his prickly Malaysian counterpart. Both PMs have spoken to the APEC CEO summit running alongside the main leaders' meet but it was Dr M who got the full house, and the headlines, with his polemic on the evils of capitalism. When it was Howard's turn, he spoke to a depleted room of executives who were so riveted by his remarks he failed to elicit even one question. Dr Mahathir's questions, by contrast, went on as long as his 30 minute tour d'horizon.

But it's not just our esteemed PM who is underwhelming Vancouver, a city cruelly described as one of the world's most boring places, Canberra notwithstanding. After Foreign Minister Alexander Downer gave an impromptu press conference yesterday outside the Australian delegation's hotel, a bemused Mountie remarked that "he seems a little nerdy".

HUMIDOR WILLPOWER

Canadians like few things more than sticking one up the Americans and APEC has provided them with some nice opportunities. Mr Ali of Vancouver's Pacific Cigar Company has taken great delight in offering the finest Cuban cigars from his shop in the hotel which the White House's enormous delegation has taken over. Hoping to lure noted cigar connoisseur President Clinton to his humidor, Ali told the AFR that he's been impressed with the willpower shown by the US delegation. "I've had quite a few media stock up but so far no delegates."

TRADE MINISTERS HEAR OF MICK'S WHIPS

The official language of APEC is English but it seems every second person here is speaking Mandarin Chinese, be they mainlanders, Taiwanese or Hong Kongers eschewing their native Cantonese. China has brought with it a particularly large delegation resplendent in their trademark bad suits and monochromatic sunglasses, very useful at this rainy summit.

Most of them flew to Vancouver via that famous international financial centre of Las Vegas where, they unconvincingly tried to explain, they had been attending the annual Comdex technology tradeshow.

Australian Trade Minister Tim Fischer also flew into Vancouver via Vegas. He has spent a lot of time telling his APEC trade ministers about the virtues of Mick's Whips, a Darwin-based whipmaker. Since Mick launched an Internet site, sales have risen 700 per cent, according to Fischer, with much of the demand coming from the US.

Interestingly, Fischer also dropped by San Francisco, the world's gay capital, en route to Vancouver. Could the two be connected?

WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

Boring? Vancouver? Why it has even got a red-light area. Well, a few racy bars. OK, so there are a few stores that offer strong Labatts and Canadian Playboy.

Seediness being a word absent from the aggressively decent Canadian vocabulary, the closest thing Vancouver has to King's Cross is Granville St in the downtown.

In fact, it's pretty hard to miss, being the first part of town you come to after coming off the airport exits. This week one place called itself the "Official APEC Adult Entertainment HQ," a strip club whose girls have taken to papering the APEC fringes with flyers inviting them to sample some Canadian hospitality, and relieve themselves of the leather jackets specially designed for the traditional leader's retreat.

So far no leaders are known to have taken up the offer though some mainland Chinese comrades did venture inside on a study tour. One disappointed delegate was heard to utter that Shenzhen was far more interesting.